I do not mean to be preachy about this because I know different people have different personalities. As a Filipina married to a foreign man, I think there is a need to write a few more pointers on how to keep a Filipino-Western marriage alive.

I know and I’ve read the book “Men are from mars and women are from venus” and although it explains a lot about the stereotypical traits of men, there are still a lot to be explained of in both sides. Men from different cultures behave in some ways differently from men in other cultures.

I like the fact that my British husband is open-minded, he lets me be myself, we share responsibilities in the household, treat and respect each other as equals, etc. A picture of an ideal husband for a girl with strong personality like me. However, I must admit that there are also times when we do not seem to connect well. Let me shed some light into this matter.

When my husband gets too busy with work, he tends to ignore me. He gets worried about things, keeps it to himself and be grumpy all day and someones it lasts for a few days. Since there is only me and him in the house, he takes out his grumpiness on me. Filipinas are very sensitive and a slight raise in one’s voice can be considered offensive to the senses. I, just like other Filipinas, normally take the first few of these offense in an effort to bridge the gap and a hope that he will open up and share his worries with me. When he goes around sighing all day and retorting in an angry manner, I can only take a certain amount of grumpiness and then I tip. It is only then that my husband would realize how horrible he has been to me. Sometimes, western men could be very insensitive and would choose to lock themselves up in their own bubble than to tell their wives about their worry. In some respect, Filipino men are like that too. Confiding to a wife, to them, can be construed as a weakess and thus affect one’s macho image. The difference though between a western man and a filipino man is the way the latter makes up for the horrible treatment they did to their spouse. After reaching a tipping point and a wife complains and cries, a Filipino man would endeavor to make up for it by re-courting the girl and doing everything to gain back their favor. Not many Filipino men can see their wives/girlfriends crying especially when they know that they were the ones who caused their misery. Western men however, even if they have realized their mistakes, would find it difficult to concede and accept their mistake 100%. They will try to reason out and counter every complain you make against them to the point of raising unreasonable points.

Never suggest for your wife to go home to her parents or family for awhile until the air clears up between you. This will grow contempt against you by your wife’s family and there is a big chance they will not allow her to come back to you. Unless you are ready to give up on her for the rest of your life, do not do this. Filipino families take a great offense against people who hurt their family members. They will never take this matter lightly. If you are in good terms with your wife’s family and friends, you will find all of them will be against you when this happens. Marital problems have to be patched up at the earliest opportunity. A lot of Filipino couples believe that a husband and wife must never go to bed angry at each other.

Western men do not know the Filipina’s need for “suyo”. This, I will say is something that a Filipina should brace themselves if they are to marry a foreign man especially older foreign men whose views are a bit difficult to sway. Before we got married, the judge who solemnized our marriage asked me whether I am sure of my decision to marry my western husband, she said “Hindi ka nyan susuyuin“…

“Suyo” of “Pagsuyo” is not in the vocabulary of most western men. To a lot of Filipinas, saying sorry after a fight is just not enough. If you want to “suyo” your Filipina wives properly, you have to try and make an effort to make up for your faults. You have to understand that the sensitivity of Filipinos goes deep to the core and it will take more than a “sorry” to ease it. How do you say it should be? You have to show them you really regret what you said or do by saying sorry, making a solemn promise not to do it again (this is very important!) cuddling and kissing them (a lot! and I mean a lot!) buy them flowers and take them out for dinner somewhere. That is how a Filipino man would “SUYO” their wives/girlfriend. As I have said, nothing can affect a Filipino man more than seeing their wives cry. Because a Filipina girl can be a martyr at times and just try to absorb and take the blows until they reach their tipping point and then they say “Ouch!” Crying is the way a woman says “I’ve had enough!” so western husbands must not get offended by women crying. It is their way of saying “Pls take notice of what you are doing to me!”. It doesn’t take much to please a Filipina back. Simple gestures to show you’re sorry is enough, You do not have to rationalize and explain to them why you are or have been horrible. That will only make the matter worse and could escalate to a full blown fight. This is the secret of lasting marriages in a Filipino society. Because of “suyo”, simple spousal complaints are easily addressed to and are not allowed to grow into a big fight.

In addition, one must understand the following to avoid marital arguments with Filipina wives:

1. Family comes first above everything else. You might have a very big problem with work or money but when family is involved, everything else has to take a back seat. If a Filipino will be made to choose between a career and taking care of a parent with Alzheimers, most Filipinos will definitely choose to take care of their parents. For nothing will be more important to a Filipino than their family. They would rather be poor than lose a family member.

2. Do not make a Filipino choose between a spouse and a parent. We are all brought up with a belief that we owe our lives to our parents and we should be eternally grateful for that. There is a saying in the Philippines that “one can have as many spouse as he can but he will only have 1 set of parents.

3. Pursuit of happiness is paramount in all relationships. Do not get too absorbed on worries or money problems because it takes away the life in a relationship. You can have too much money but if you lose your family/wife along the way of achieving the same, you will never be truly happy in the end. You can have as much money as you want if there is no one to share it to (and I mean someone who matters to you), it will be futile.

4. Never forget your wife no matter how busy you become. Be aware of your actions and never taken them for granted. Your wife should be your bestfriend whom you can share your deepest and darkest secret, your worries and you problems without fear of having to be judged. So do not keep things to yourself when you have someone to share the burden with. You’ll be a lot happier this way.